alzheimer-free

i need to release all of my hurting and traumatic experiences earlier in life to be more of a person that has life!  a life of positiveness and thanksgiving to our lord.

i’ve drawn out the "heart thorn" part mid last year.  now i’ll draw out the "mind thorn".  this thorn hits my emotions and persona with pacquiao-like piercing blows when i was younger.

previously, i can’t accept the fact that i have a 99 percentile UPCAT result in math and feels and thinks like a dumb sa UP undergrad math courses.  i feel like an IDIOT!  i feel like a huge DUMB!  and i’m crying in isolation eating up my pride that i’m doing everything and spending every possible time to study math but still fail.  am i just lucky to get that exam rating and i’m for the long time the plainest dumb?

and i never knew the answer to that question until today.

i was amazed and even happy listening how my grad school classmates presented answers for our quantitative analysis course even if wala ang professor.  i was happy that i understood it and thought that was easy.  i was also specially appreciative of how our classmate from westbridge (forgot his name..sorry) explained conceptually the normal curve.  it were things i should have already learned from highschool (if only i was in class and not in chess training).  how did it happened that i still don’t know this things conceptually even in college ?

it’s because of a lot of fortuitous events.  events that haunted me from my young life.  this resulted to my taking up of a master’s degree for the main purpose of EMOTIONAL RELEASE and nothing else.

1.  i was an immature 16 to 18 year old at that time.

2.  entering UP with just a 3rd year HS schooling on my brain (because of chess!). 

3.  i did not have enough money at that time.  our family can not afford to get a boarding house and separate budgeting of meals so as to burden me with the 1 hour atleast travel to and from barotac nuevo each stressing day.  i produce my own money from petty businesses like wood framing and t-shirt printing on days before enrollment.

4.  i do not have any book.  borrowing from the library then would make me wait until the 5pm release when my class ends at 230pm.  on exam days, i’m always late to reserve book in the library since im still from barotac nuevo and always left without a book, a classmate to assist or a teacher to really guide (but ofcourse this is how things are run in UP).

5.  i always choose to leave early to tend the small business that i started (a PC at that time to do desktop publishing designs).  and i’m just happy processing the orders and giving all of the proceeds (and not hold even a dime) to my mother.

6.  i also often skip lunch to save.

7.  i can’t simply act the "pakapal poor boy" way.  since i have a military colonel father and no one would believe in such a funny situation to be receive any help from friends (but not much since i have poor boy friends also).

8.  i don’t ask any extra money since i have proper common sense in not asking from something that is in itself lacking.  it delimits my informal activities spent in school to get informal tutoring from my classmates.  in short, i have no support group for the school pressures.  by the way, i have never attended any evening activity in UP (and you guessed right.  i can not afford the more costly transportation to our town if i leave late)

i guess this explains why no matter how i want to study well.  i can not understand.  Thanks to this grad school, it dawned to me so brightly that it was nearly impossible to ask so much help from the lord at that time with these predicament in place.

if i were the "rj" today, i know i could have done way better since things now are not quite like these.  but in retrospect if i haven’t learned life lessons from streets and hardships at that time, would i be the "rj" today.  i migt just be a scholarly highly-graded moron who knows a lot of things but can not make a lot of things happen from nothing?  things like making a difference to atleast 20 families because of employment.

to be able to be free from this emotional problems,  i guess i should perform well in grad school.  since most of the barriers are already broken down and i have my 20 or so staff to do the business things for me.  i only work now by choice and not because i need to, i hope i will be released from this thorn.

whatever may have happened, i know that god has chosen the best path for me with his "invisible hand" of guidance.  i’m sorry lord for doubting your magnifiscence in letting me fall ealier in life in able to mold me strongly today.

thank you lord jesus.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 6th, 2007 at 7:33 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.