alzheimer-free

Emotional Highs and Lows as Nitrous Sprays!

The Observer’s call of concern to my previous post’s observations was dead center on target!  He said, on calling long distance international from

Riyadh

(parang big brother adviser, na I haven’t met also!), that on our emotional highs we tend to be “extreme critical thinkers” and on our emotional lows we tend to be “extremely open-minded”.  I guess these are the perfect reasons why I observed that the best of my ideas are being shown on these instances not on the mediocracy equilibriums set by a stable life.

That’s why even if I have a seeming perfect life with a great crystal (top 10 rating on all UP system 2003 graduates) on-board its maybe on USM-AF (Ultrasonic Motor – Auto Focus, in my case..errr..Auto Distort!) where I asked for a time-out with no logical reason or a critical situation.  And made bogus reasons after deciding.  But it’s still good.  I have learned a lot from the less than a month experience.

As I was reflecting, perhaps this forever present concept in mind may just be doing with its “invisible hand” these things for me.  I have a great stable life but it can’t show the best of me because my mind is conditioned to have emotional highs and lows as nitrous spraying influencers.  In fact, it did exactly that again!  On my concept paper passed to SM Malls, it got the attention of what the middle management folks call as “sir harry”.  Being on top management, he directed all of the different SM Mall’s Leasing Managers to send in proposals here in

Iloilo

for expanding a service we have yet to start on September 1!  I was in goosebumps receiving some of the sm malls proposal for a top management believed in it.  SM Mall of Asia, The Podium, SM Cebu, SM Davao to name a few.  Not just a top management for that matter but a member of the Sy Family as the local leasing manager here excitedly told.

On my low point, I think very openly.  So I guess I wrote one of the best concept papers I ever made.  On the introduction, I said that we are a group of young and creative individuals who wants to make more ideas come to life.  New entrepreneuring concepts waiting to be lived in reality.  I gave a short description of our projects including the water vending machine, satellite tv distribution and others.  In the middle part I used hedonistic and poetic words to describe the emotional appeal of photo mosaics like “imagine a father watching her daughter march down the aisle of happiness in a wedding and placing all the moments in its entirety in a mural mosaic which no amount of money can’t buy!”.  But I guess the last grouping of ideas is the killer!  I said that the present players today act on it as it is!  A fad.  A thing that will be lost in time.  I said that we know that it might be a fad but the things supporting it is not.  So we are spending time developing more timeless products and services.  Most mosaic makers just frame it in polystyrene (a kind of plastic)!  We do it in 2” thick by 12”wide cross-section of hard wood (popular now is an endangered wood harder than narra) for any size.  We also spent our time making this canvass press to transfer photo emulsion on the classical art media of canvass cloth!  If anything happens, I guess this two will remain timelessly.  It is needed by classical artists and digital artists of tomorrow.  No one still provides for this service.  The kind that will be a worthy frame for the likes of a “spolarium”!

Having made such a comedic presentation of ideas (the actual 2 page write-up has a very comedic tone) may have got his interest and may have appreciated our idea of most digital artist just not getting it!  And it came from a low point of my life.

So even if I feel bad.  At the back of my head, it whispers of “the nitrous spraying moment is near.  wake up!  kill.  kill.  kill.”.  Kaya i can’t be truly sad because a low point is always an advance party of a tidal wave of radical favorable change!  Pero I do hope to change this way of my mind’s thought process.  That I’ll be not only great at this points but on stable points too.  Not for me.  But for the people I care.  For them to be not affected by my auto-distorting brain to bring about an artificial low point as an influencer of great ideas (I mean genius thoughts!whahahaha).  A

high point

is something temporary for people with such a perfectionist mind like I do because when I achieve something I will soon treat is as the norm of ordinary class.  So I am pushed to do more.  Obviously, the feeling of a

high point

won’t last that long to influence a substantial and dramatic change.

Can we really change for the people we care?  What’s the right thing here?

A friend of mine from entrepreneur asked, “daw pirmi ka na dire to haw? (referring to entrepreneur philippines forum)”.  Actually not the exact words because I just forgot about it (in-line alzheimer!)

So I guess it was a wake up call.  I have been online this 3 weeks morethan I was online the past 3 years (ugh..technically less the recent 3 weeks to be mathematically logical).  Perhaps even if I seem not affected by the recent breakup with my former girlfriend (now a best friend for me, I don’t know with her), I am.  I may have these interpersonal societal relationships addiction on the net because of this.  Because I am truly sad even if I don’t seem so.

My personal message reply to him goes something in this line (in-line alzheimer again):

“I maybe really affected even if I don’t seem so.  I want to get back on this schedule and feel efficient and useful in this world:

Weekdays

Monday:           AccuTech® Innovations           |product and service research

                                                                  |innovations and actual trials

                                                                  |guerilla mode purchasing of parts

                                                                  |development of prototypes

Tuesday:           AccuClear® Water                |personnel management concerns

                                                                  |production and operations analysis

                                                                  |sales and distribution issues

                                                                  |crisis management

Wednesday:     AccuPlay® Internet                  |maintenance

                                                                  |competition issues and countermoves

                                                                  |software and hardware issues

                                                                  |checking of AccuLoad® transactions

                                                                  |checking of AccuDish® special concerns

Thursday:         AccuVend® Machines              |technical design improvements

                                                                   |franchise contract arrangements

                                                                   |water processing technical research

Friday:              AccuMosaic® Digital Media     |usual initial operations issues

                                                                   |sourcing out of better suppliers

                                                                   |creation of strategic plans

Weekends

Saturday:          Formal Photo Schooling          |Excursions, Post Processing

                                                                   |Photo Shoot, Creative Awakening

                                                                   |Aesthetic Appreciation on Travelling

                                                                   |Relaxation

Sunday:            Graduate School                     |Networking with Local Players

                                                                    |Training for better Management Skills

                                                                  |Personnal Fill for Creative Arguing

I can usually finish the listed things on less than four hours so that I’ll have more time to crisis manage when something just erupts from nothing.  My problem is I haven’t done this on the previous 3 weeks!  I am disturbed.  Even if I may look like joking around for hours even with my alzheimer-laiden lolo!  Who said “abi tama na na to nga linabutaw, pwede man ta kapatawhay bisan gamay?”, that’s coming from a person with less than 1 minute memory.

So why do these things happen for no reason?  I am reflecting that I have a strong desire from getting out of “mediocracy”, “middle lines”, “safe lines”.  It’s either I fail in dramatic fashion or succeed against all ods.  Either high or low.  Definitely not in the middle of safety!  My perfectly stable no problem relationship with her maybe acting against this ticking time-bomb on my head.  I want to change.  I don’t want this anymore.  I maybe subconsciously drifting on to these since the best of my ideas comes from these emotional states.  Very high and very low!  It results to the societies usual definition of success thru just-genius thinking kaya I maybe led into it.  Pero parang mali.  I need to change. 

Parang loko-loko ako in letting go of the only person whom I think is irreplaceable (not in my wildest dreams that anyone could exceed the totality of her).  Others maybe beautiful but are down right dumb compared to her (even if cum laudes pa of other school).  As in she’s thrice of quadruple parts of me.  Here’s the low and high points of my life.

High:    All the businesses listed above and some other unlisteds..hehehe

Low:    Satellite Hacking (2003), SIM Phreaking (2000)

The lows exceeds money generation than all highs combined.  And nothing dramatic happened from balanced life.  I’m addicted to something that is wrong because of the luring-in of success.  Pero it’s not intentional.  It is subconscious in some sense.  But I’m happy na rin na I realized this thru praying (which I learned from crystal..makes me sad again).

I was really thinking about my "life choices" before.  I was imagining how my life would have unfolded if i have chosen maybe another path.  Life i guess is like a rat race.  If you’ll continue just choosing with a blinded path at every detour options by thinking like a rat, you’ll end up just circling and circling around on it.  Get paycheck, pay loans, spend, spend more, get a loan, get the paycheck and then it revolves infinitely!

Some of the detour options placed on my life is on a choice of "to be a dog or not".  As i was reflecting some people who know me, says that i’m really different than most people in a sense that i have the juarez genes (and i doesn’st state what i get from it) but i just use it to attract people and then leave.  I’m not being a dog as they say (by the way this is on a perspective when i was younger and leaner!whahaha remember the "was" word) like the reputation of the juarezes on the barrio (not on my lolo’s line by the way).

Let me point out just a fourth of it.  When i was 15 vacationing in Bugante Point, Antique in the resthouse of a military camp 20 steps away from sea water.  We don’t go to the market for food.  Every 6 in the morning i go with the provincial commander (a military colonel from aklan) in our makeshift bamboo raft to the coral and stone areas 20-30 meters from coast line.  We just bring a wooden make shift "pana" bow and arrow formed like a shot gun and just catch ISDA sa BAtO (I was Leaner then, fast swimmer and dives quickly.. feeling!whahaha).  after catching just enough for him and my family we go out and get kamatis from the camp garden and have breakfast.  We haven’t bought anything from the market for 2 months!  I enjoyed this part of my life with gusto.

Our tambayan was a vantage point (with military long telescopes) 20 meters above sea level pero just 40 meters from ground.  Some guests of the province are being brought there for private beach activities (kami lang yung gumagamit nang place).  One time a group of skimpy women in skimpy 2-piece bikinis went there just before our "pana session" was about to finish.  Nice english accent but knows illongo too.  My eyes were boggled by the sight so i stayed.  Being a kid then, i showed off my windmill-swimming style to a point 20 meters from the coast where i know na may rock area which i could stand and look like standing on water.  By the time i swam back again.  she asked me to teach her as she was adjusting the "strings".  Ofcourse my arm was against her voluptous thing (she forced the issue not me).  Yes i was attracted but she asked me if we could go around a place na walang tao maybe behind the huge rock she pointed (she might have thought i’m not 15).  i answered "daw ginapangita na ko to nang sang nanay ko sa ibabaw, kinse pa lang daan ako nang" and she keeps insisting for it for 15 minutes.  she says "dali man lang"..whahahaha.

In college, there is this classmate (actually a crush of mine too) who i enjoy seeing but im not purposely making moves for her to be interested.  One day, she asks for a one on one talk with me and informs me that wala tawo sa boarding house and we could do something with it.  I said "im not into committments pa abi, la gani ko ipakaon sa lawas ko.  ngita pa ko problema".  She answered "la man strings attached".  wala gid man?whahahaha

what if i have been a dog?  would i be truly happy?

should i consider having a partner?  i mean a business partner, not a life partner. many friends think that i should convert my baby projects either into a corporation or on a selective partnership agreement depending on the business projects for obvious reasons.

i could legally show in financial statements what i actually earn (say just 10% of it for tax purposes..hahaha) helpful in borrowing working capital from the banks (i think we have a brain-drain now in which our ideas is morethan our capitalization).  pero i just broke up with my loving friend (now my best friend) who is good and has been trained by SGV (in tax avoidance measures!whahahahaha).  what a wrong timing.

for example in this agri trading biz that i dream of doing.  there is this relative who wants me to manage a biz as an industrial partner at 50-50 sharing.  she would shell out 10M as a start-up fund (wow for me!  i havent had 200,000 in my ADB even if i earn sometimes morethan that amount..joke!).  i think here purpose is for her to be known in the town that she has improved well in life.  and i think not so much of the earning part coz she doesn’t need it.  pareho kami view in a sense that she wants relatives to have a decent living thru employment as provided by a business system not giving out money.  the problem is she wants to buy a 6 hectare along the road lot at 600,000 per hectare (when i know that the market price is just 300,000 to 400,000 per hectare) because it just looks great (but i know that its use and shock value is morethan that amount since its along the road).  if i were just greedy, i wouldn’t have problems with it coz she pushes the issue and its her money..hehehe pero i don’t think that way in biz.  i want things to be efficient so that when im old and magsusulat na nang autobiography, walang latak sa record!

so we just hold it muna.

in this vending machine thing a popular chinese kid (pati ah..tigulang na..8 years older than me) who owns 30 water stations scattered in negros occidental and iloilo offers a partnership for our product.  and i irritate him more by showing the technical design faults of present players..hehehe im amazed that he knows so much of me when we haven’t exchanged words before!  parang mga stalkers..pero in a business sense..hehehe

i haven’t been with a partner in my business life..im used to doing planning in a very structured way (that’s why i haven’t lost any money so far..pero sometimes i wish i lost na rin para may drama sa autobiography..hehehe..joke!) pero i operate on a very lax and unstructured way..parang naglalaro lang..sometimes i do this financial things..sometimes i dont (i mean mostly i don’t because only half of my biz have been tax mapped by BIR and pacute lang yung ginagawa ko sa revenue office..hehehe).  pero if may mga ibang stakeholders na sa business i don’t know if i could migrate well with increased responsibility.  but i know that it is needed if i want more of my dreams seen by my eye unfolding to reality!  pero i don’t know kung kelan..

sige..kung puro biz lang yung isip ko, i should marry my great wife-to-be para magawa ko na to lahat..yun..tapos!hehehe pero love is not choosing what’s best for yourself but choosing what is best for the person you love..i’ll study grad school more efficiently na lang muna..(uy!parang nagshift sa life partner ahh..giisssiiiiiing!whahhahahaha)

yung nakita kong problem is im more inclined sa fun and creative side nang entrepreneurship than the money making part.  i usually delay immediate profit projections to further develop increased capacity.  parang dindelay muna for the infrastracture to come in first.  i know a lot of people will need immediate income and who may not think like i do.  specially if the money is for earning and not for other things like learning or prestige or perfection..hehehe

what’s best to do with my life (business life)?

instead of preparing my report on management class i stumbled watching at this starmovies’ video "welcome to mooseport".  i laughed a lot and was emotionally touched, perhaps spent also a speckle of tear!

its very unlikely for me to have this long attention span.  the favorite movies that i’ve listed on my profile may not even had my attention for the whole set.  this one got it!  i first laughed out a lot where most of the people with me are asking what’s really meant by the jokes.hehehe  its like allegorical in some sense that needs some short thinking and relating to the topic.  then i was touched by the feelings portrayed by the actors perhaps cause i could relate to it.  and also maybe a speckle of tear in the later parts of the movie too.  pero i’m controlling my emotions to not appear really touched by it.

laughing + littlethinking + emotions + simplicity + alittlesmilefromtheheart

did it for me.  i wish you could watch this movie too.  i was touched but i don’t know if i’ll accept the learning..hehehe

i really think that god gave me this unique gift of having wisdom in weird ideas.

im happy crystal undertands after all the guilt has been cleared.  i explained that i can’t transcend to a higher level of love that maybe needed in a much meaningful level of relationships.  by the time i feel that the requirements of it happening is getting near im doubly pressured.

this maybe happening coz i follow rules religiously morethan a typical male even if feelings has its usual downturns and upturns.  as i previously posted that we could learn a lot of things by being outside-looking-in (which 2 days ago, they labeled as a "bogus reasoning") is really happening now.  we realized a lot of things about ourselves and how we treated each other with the complacency of being in the relationship.  perhaps we have learned so much now than what we have learned the previous 5 years and it indeed increased my learning of love.  it’s a lot more deeper than a pseudo-poker game played by typical partners.  this distance and breaking down of formal relationships opened a freeflow of real thoughts and realizations which could always serve good in any relationship.

it does risk however completely loosing the best person that i knew but i guess its really needed.  why go to a slowly deteriorating perfect system than go all-in (in poker sense) with the chances of learning the real cards eventhough though favorable or unfavorable.  mediocracy has no place in the short life that god gave us.  if after learning the true meaning of love we fall for other people then its what that learning and god allowed us to choose, if it made us appreciate each other more then maybe its the way to go.

thank you lord for showing me clarity in distortion.